Power Rankings: Week 1
Sup b*tches.
Let’s get right into it. Despite a relatively low-scoring week across the league, the drama was in midseason form. Stain and I squared off in a battle worthy of a port-o-potty floor, Cole’s getting hella “motavated” after a promising Sunday, Devon’s recalling what it feels like to manage a relevant roster again, and Kyle is already drafting the script for another season of heartbreak.
I do have some bad news. The Power Rankings will be fewer and farther between this year, but I’ll do my best to crank them out when possible. With that in mind, let me know if anyone is interested in filling in as an occasional ghost writer this season - I’ll take the help however I can get it! Just don’t be the Meek Mill to my Drake.
Devon (1-0)
Devon entered Week 1 with bad intentions. Maybe those seven years in the basement finally kicked him into gear. Derrick Henry was stiff-arming souls into the shadow realm, Puka Nacua looked like 2021 Cooper Kupp in a Scooby-Doo mask, and Deebo looked like Deebo. Baby, come back! This wasn’t just a win — it was a statement. Devon is on the hunt for a second ring.
Henry (1-0)
Hank has been on a hot streak the last two seasons, and that momentum continued into 2025. Turbo mode has been activated! Lamar Jackson was out there playing backyard football, Breece Hall looked like a draft day steal, and just in case you had forgotten - Bijan reminded everyone why he was a consensus top three pick. The Sensible Kings are empathetic, and they’ll hear you out on your personal dilemmas, but don’t expect any mercy on Sundays.
Cole (1-0)
It wasn’t a performance to write home about, but can you argue about the result? JSN, G-Willy, and Sutton may not be the sexiest WR trio ever assembled, but they shouldered more than their fair on Sunday. If Bo Nix can rebound and maximize the potential of the Denver Omellete (that’s what I’m choosing to call the Nix-Sutton stack), Cole could be cooking with gas. Bucky and Saquon are delectable pieces, but Pacheco presents an interesting hole now that Andy Reid has his eyes on a full-on rotation. Could this be the year Mr. Watts finally escapes mediocrity?
Brad (1-0)
Balance is a beautiful thing. Even with the rise of Jordan Mason in Kevin O’Connell’s backfield, you’d be hard pressed to find a scarier backfield than BK’s. Gibbs and Cook make for an explosive 1-2 punch, and sure, it isn’t 2019 anymore - but Aaron Jones looks to have plenty of juice in his cup. Pair that with a boom week from Zay Flowers and the potential emergence of Keon Coleman - and baby you’ve got a stew goin’! All eyes will be on Brock Bowers’ knee heading into Week 2. Nice start! Go, Brad!
Pete (0-1)
Tough break. 113 points isn’t a highlight week, but it’s always annoying when you’re force fed an L by the highest scoring team on the week. But hey - it’s early, so let’s look on the bright side. Josh Allen proved yet again that he can almost single handedly win you a week, Kyren looked every bit to be a tried and true RB1, and Chuba Hubbard garbage-timed his way to a quality performance. Ja’Marr will have better weeks ahead - the Bengals always start slow. Maybe Pete will be the exact same way. But first, you may need to call in backup because the bench appears to be thinner than a skeleton on Ozempic.
Kyle (0-1)
Heck of a start. Pause. Not! Having a stellar lineup while piling up L’s is nothing new for this guy. In all seriousness, this is one heck of a lineup. In fact, there may not be a more complete roster card out there. If Kelce locates the long-lost fountain of youth, and if Omarion Hampton truly has the keys to the Dodge Charger, then I don’t see how group isn’t playoff bound. Dak will have better weeks, as will JT. It’s a bummer start, but now is not the time for panic. That comes later.
Ryan (1-0)
First and foremost - round of applause for the team name. *Pause for claps*. I wouldn’t put Week 1 on your LinkedIn profile - but the last time I checked, a win is a win! I don’t have the energy to do the math, but if I were a betting man, this is easily the youngest team in the league. Between JD, Jeanty, Maserati Marv, and BTJ - they combine for just six combined service years in the league. Pretty nutty. But the young guns stepped up! Look for better weeks from Brian Thomas, Ashton Jeanty, and D’Andre Swift. The ranking may not suggest it - but I’m optimistic about this bunch.
Tom (1-0)
What a dominant performance. Truly extraordinary. 77 points - wowza! Save some for the rest of us, amirite? The double champ lucked out in a big way, all thanks to JJ McCarthy’s 4th quarter surge on Monday Night Football, which resulted in the other JJ griddying his way to victory. I’m not getting ahead of myself, but I’m choosing to believe that AJ Brown, Tee Higgins, Jettas, and Monty will all have better performances in Week 2. And hey! Following Jacksonville’s trade which sent Tank Bigbsy to Philly - I have a startable RB in Travis Ettienne all of a sudden! Just need to stay in the race, and wait for Crashee Rice to return from detention.
Bacich (0-1)
Don’t listen to ‘em, Bacich. Justin Fields looked every bit worthy of your early round investment on draft day! In fact, fewer QB’s looked better than he did. But much like he couldn’t quite carry the Jets to victory on Sunday, your boys also swallowed a difficult loss. Let’s focus on the negatives first. The Dolphins looked to suffer from a nearby oil spill, because they were MISERABLE - which does not bode well for Achane. Worthy’s dislocated shoulder means you’ll likely need to double invest in the Colts aerial attack (Warren + Pittman), and Jameson Williams’ usage was disappointing after a major contract upgrade. But you know what? CMC’s calf sure looked fine to me.
Austin (0-1)
A premier battle between two franchises with three combined championships. Surely this must have been the matchup of the week. Unfortunately, the movie poster was a lot cooler than the film itself, and Stain found himself on the receiving end of an early toilet bowl. If Drake London is going to miss time, this becomes the thinnest WR room in the league. It doesn’t look like Cooper Kupp can be trusted quite yet - and Chis Olave is the only reasonable replacement on the bench. In my opinion, this lineup will only find its true form once TreVeyon Henderson and RJ Harvey eventually settle in and become mainstays within their respective offenses. Address the WR situation, and exercise patience with this roster.
Case (0-1)
Wow - you sure gambled on the ZeroRB strategy didn’t ya? With only three on the roster (and only two who are relevant), Case should be praying to the lord above that Chubb and Jacobs stay on the field. But when you go ZeroRB, that typically means you have a rock solid WR corps - and that’s exactly the CASE here. It just so happens that they all laid an egg on Sunday. If I were a betting man though, I’d wager that Nico, Trav, Terry, Calvin, and Trey McBride all outscore their Sunday performances in Week 2. Anyone care to put $5 on the table? Don’t panic, but pray for RB health.
Chet & Mike (0-1)
“Oh this is classic. Tom is so biased. Austin scores 75 points and he’s still ranked higher than us? Why does he always rank Brad so high? We get no respect.” I can only assume this is what Mike and Chet’s text thread looks like. Then again, Chet told me last season he only reads these after they win. So he may not see this at all. Chet - if you’re reading this, can you let me know what you prefer between In’N’Out and FiveGuys? Asking for a friend. You’re here because 2 dudes scored double digits. I’m not worried about Amon-Ra, Chase Brown, or Devonta Smith. But I can’t say the same about Tyreek Hill and Kenneth Walker. Let’s see if you’re willing to trust Bill in Week 2.
