2026 Pre-Draft Table Setter
3……. 2………. 1…….. LIFTOFF
The draft is just 48 hours away, which means it's officially the season of self-affirmation and pretending this is your year. Some of us have rings. Some of us have excuses. Come Thursday, all of us have a clean slate, and a puncher's chance at claiming everlasting glory. Try not to f*ck it up. Below you'll find a full league breakdown dating back to 2018 — all-time win percentages, championship pedigree (or lack thereof), and franchise curses that have yet to be broken - so each of you know where you stand on Day 1.
The clock is ticking. Say your prayers and squeeze in as many mocks as you can before it’s too late. It’s now or never. Season 9 is upon us.
But first, a few GIFs from my favorite movies of the year…
Tom
Winning %: .651
Championships: 2019, 2023There’s no need for a self-indulging LinkedIn post, but what the hell. Two rings, more first round BYE’s than some of y’all have playoff appearances, and the rare distinction of living rent-free in your head. Free rent? In this economy? There are teams in this league that would trade a title shot just to watch this dynasty stub its toe. Perhaps some of you relished in the fact that I fell short to Bradley in the championship match last season. Some of you might be telling yourselves, “I’d RaThEr MiSs ThE PlAyOfFs ThAn LoSe In ThE fInALs” I’m here to tell you that’s loser talk.
Chet & Mike
Winning %: .573
Championships: 2022, 2024Two rings and a front office that runs like a well-oiled, mildly dysfunctional machine — Mike does the work, Chet shows up to advocate drafting for Joe Burrow like it's some kind of religious pilgrimage. Somehow it works, right up until it doesn't, like last year's narrow playoff miss. Chet fights flames for a living, so I wouldn’t gamble on them having another structure fire of a roster. We can’t afford to sleep on this duo just because 2025 went sideways. They know exactly what they're doing, even when it looks like they don't. They have the brains and the pedigree.
Brad
Winning %: .532
Championships: 2025
The people's champ turned public enemy number one — funny how fast a ring flips the room against you. A new baby girl should, in theory, cut into draft preparation and waiver-wire hustle, except Brad's never exactly been a grinder on the trade table to begin with, so don't expect much change in habits. Besides, instinct trumps preparation. You can’t coach that. Everyone in this league is drafting to dethrone him now, whether they say it out loud or not. Newborn-induced sleep deprivation vs. a repeat title. Who comes out on top?
Hank
Winning %: .518
Championships: NoneHank came out of the gates like the Oregon Ducks do every year - sexy, white hot, with visions of raising a championship banner in Autzen Stadium. Fittingly, Hank was shot out of the sky right around the time actual duck season opened up. A miserable second half turned a promising campaign into a missed playoff bid. Even if this season goes sideways like last, Hank won’t be stressed. There are enough mental health issues in this league to keep the man employed for years to come.
Stain
Winning %: .514
Championships: *2020Nothing humbles a man quite like finishing 4-10 with a wedding on the calendar. Austin's about to collect a much more permanent ring than the Covid-tainted one sitting in his trophy case. Is it just me, or does that joke never get old?. Still, don't expect the trash talk to dial down; Stain may have finished dead last but he’s ready for a clean slate. There's a version of this draft where a fresh start and the love of one’s fiancée turns things around quickly. There's also a version of the 2026 season where injuries and draft misfires leave him waiting on the fantasy altar. Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Ryan
Winning %: .509
Championships: None"This is the year," says Ryan, for the ninth consecutive August, and at some point we have to ask if he actually believes it or if it's just muscle memory at this point. Hasn't sniffed the playoffs since 2022, which is a long time to be optimistic about nothing in particular. With two kids at hime, you’d think between diaper changes and lineup decisions, that something's gotta give — and my money's on the dirty diaper. THIS IS THE YEAR. If you keep claiming it, eventually you’ll be right.
Case
Winning %: .500
Championships: 2021Hot and cold doesn't begin to cover it — a ring in 2021, and more ups and downs since then than a cheap spring mattress in a college frat house. Last season’s 7-7 finish left Case on the outside looking in for the second consecutive season, but the franchise remained competent, chaotic, and wildly entertaining. Case’s wild-card energy on draft day makes every selection must-see television. He's a good time waiting to happen, and honestly you can't blame the guy for getting his guys, whatever the analytics say. This draft, expect at least one pick nobody saw coming and nobody can fully explain. But history tells us it will pan out.
Cole
Winning %: .459
Championships: NoneCommissioner Cole — a title that comes with power, influence, and little correlation to actual fantasy success. It’s okay to be mid. Just ask the Portland Trailblazers, Carolina Panthers, or the Miami Marlins. Every league needs those teams!!! If enthusiasm were a stat category, Cole would be hoisting trophies every single year, but alas, we score points instead. As commissioner, he sets the rules everyone else has to play within, which is either deeply ironic or exactly the kind of power move you'd expect from a guy who checks his lineup every quarter hour. That said, at some point the effort and enthusiasm is bound to prevail.
Bacich & Reese
Winning %: .459
Championships: NoneNot the flashiest resume on paper, but 2025 was a genuine step forward — a #1 seed and a first-round bye before a semifinal exit that stung more than the record shows. New addition Reese is the wildcard here, a total unknown quantity to the league, but word is he's some kind of AI wizard who might just "robot" his way into relevance. Whether that means a spreadsheet-optimized roster or something stranger remains to be seen. Either way, this feels like a team on the way up, not down.
Pete
Winning %: .455
Championships: NonePete's been back in the league since 2023 after a multi-year hiatus, and the results speak for themselves — three straight playoff appearances with nothing to show for it but the participation. No ring yet, but he did just lock in an engagement ring, so clearly this man knows how to get what he wants. The playoff streak is real, the hardware isn't — yet. Unrelated: Say hi to Daejon for us!
Kyle
Winning %: .431
Championships: NoneNo one in this league grinds harder and gets punished for it more consistently than Kyle — it's not a season until he loses a key piece to injury, seemingly by contractual obligation. But back-to-back playoff appearances and 8-6 finishes suggest maybe, just maybe, the curse is finally lifting. He's also freshly engaged, so love is clearly in the air — the real question is whether it extends to his running back room. If the injury gods take the year off, this could finally be Kyle's breakout.
Devon
Winning %: .413
Championships: 2018Worst all-time record in the league is a wild stat to pair with a championship banner, but that's Devon's story — a title back in 2018, when half this league was still in college, and a long, cold, quiet drought ever since. Last season's playoff appearance, his first since that championship run, snuck under the radar but shouldn't have. The patience required to wait seven years between relevant seasons can easily be explained by the fact that this man makes a living watching dopes like me miss hooksets and cast flies into the treeline. Here's to hoping the wait is finally over. Mend left…good…little one to the right…that’s perfect…set!!!
Talk to y’all on Thursday!
